Friendship – the Overlooked Biohack?

Where is the Conference on How to Be a Better Friend?

I was prompted to write this post after watching a very insightful conversation between Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah in which they explore the essential role that friendships play in mental health, success, and happiness. Sinek highlights that while we have entire industries dedicated to becoming better leaders, parents and professionals, we often overlook the profound importance of the social and emotional connections that enable us to truly thrive mentally and physically – hence the meaning of “friendship is the ultimate bio-hack.”

They also delve into the growing loneliness among young men and its connection to harmful ideologies, discussing how teaching the importance of genuine friendship could transform society.

We have been hearing a lot in the media lately about how difficult many people – men in particular – find developing new friendships as well as maintaining or even deepening existing ones. This issue also comes up often with clients here at our practice, and our men’s process groups are just one of the resources that we’ve developed to give men the tools they need to develop more satisfying relationships.

Friendship Dynamics Change as We Get Older

Flash back to third grade. You commonly see one kid run up to another and excitedly say something like, “I like you. Let’s play and be friends.” Unfortunately, we pound that instinct out of young boys and teens in a number of ways largely because a variety of sources teach us that it’s neither tough nor cool for dudes to be really excited about making friends. However, for adult men the subtext of “I like you, I hope you like me, and I want be friends” is subtly present in so many interactions ranging from work to sports, religious communities, and kids’ activities but addressing it directly brings up some deep-seated vulnerabilities that run afoul of the “bro code.” In fact, that’s one reason why so many men these days don’t more directly say that they’re lonely or make the effort to be better friends – just letting a guy know that you want to be more connected with him is a towering Mount Saint Awkward that often feels too tall to climb.

What the Research Shows

Key Terminology:

• Loneliness – A subjective distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections. Loneliness is different than choosing to take alone time on your own terms to recharge. The difference is your sense of control; loneliness happens when you don’t want to be alone but can’t or won’t find ways to connect with others.
• Social Isolation – Objectively having few social relationships, social roles, group memberships, and infrequent social interaction. You might even be around people consistently, but you don’t really engage or feel genuinely connected even when you do.

The Three Vital Components of Social Connection:

A 2023 U.S. Surgeon General’s report titled, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation spells out in detail how loneliness and social isolation are attributable to different structural, functional, and qualitative aspects of a person’s life – meaning it’s not actually just as simple as going to the man park as comically depicted on SNL.

How Does Social Connection Influence Physical Health?

While most of us know that loneliness feels bad, and have experienced it in one form or another in our lives, the Surgeon General’s report shows that loneliness is not only harmful to our mental health, but that is has significant impacts on physical health issues including cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and diabetes and can hasten mortality. Specifically, the mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes per day – and is more harmful than obesity and physical inactivity in the long run! Interestingly, the report also found that loneliness is especially prevalent for younger adults, who are nearly twice as likely to report feeling lonely (largely attributable to the rise of online media and a concurrent 70% decrease in time young people spend with friends in-person over the past 20 years) than those over the age of 65 (the group with the highest actual rates of social isolation). It goes on to address how people from different marginalized groups are at particular risk for isolation, but it doesn’t tease out what role gender plays in this issue.

A recent analysis of over 19 different studies involving nearly 30,000 men across 33 years (Lear & Dorstyn, 2024) aggregates the findings regarding how loneliness relates specifically to men’s mental health.

• • The overall finding was that loneliness and social isolation have negative impacts on men’s mental health and reflect a serious threat to physical and psychological well-being throughout the lifespan.
  • Rigid conceptualizations of mascuinity – not masculinity itself – are problematic for men’s mental health: One of the interesting findings was that holding a rigid – meaning that’s how you act in all situations – traditional “guy-guy” masculine role can partially explain this strong relationship between loneliness and men’s depression as well as general psychological distress.
  • The authors speculate that part of this rigidity plays out as a reluctance to seek help which explains the relationship between men’s loneliness and depression.
  • Making social connection more accessible for men: Lastly, the article also suggests that taking a male-friendly approach to fostering social support and community for men – along the lines of programs like Men’s Sheds, Man Therapy, and HeadsUpGuys.org – may improve engagement, prevent and even lessen depression, and foster more positive health outcomes in men!

At our clinic, many of our clients experience loneliness and isolation in different ways. Some have no romantic partners, others have a loving partner who is their only real source of closeness, while still others have many people in their lives who care about them, but they struggle to make themselves present and physically/emotionally available to them.

Psychological science to the rescue! A combination of behavioral exposure and interpersonal psychology informs one key way that CME clinicians work with our clients to assess the balance of their “relational diet” spanning friends, family, romantic partners, close colleagues, members of faith-based communities, etc.

While there is no one-size-fits-all approach, there are some no-nonsense ways to take some steps to lean in and develop new or deepen existing friendships. For example – and this isn’t rocket science, but can be difficult – when asking someone, “How’re you doing?” and then you get the “Great/It’s all good/It is what it is” go-to platitude, you follow up with eye contact and ask, “OK, so how are you really doing?” If just reading this suggestion makes you even a bit uncomfortable (like maybe your eye-rolling medication happened to wear off just now), then ask yourself specifically why and how that discomfort might be playing out as a barrier to closer friendships – and relationships in general – in your life!

Beyond that simple question, when you’re looking to deepen an existing relationship, there are some pretty specific and tactical considerations for aspects of communication that help. These include:

• Frequency – How often are you in any type of contact with this person?
• Medium – Do you text, call, see randomly in-person, IM, Discord, email?
• Content – When you are in touch, what kind of things do you connect on – sports, news, kids, work, problems in your marriage, etc.,?

The general move is to think about these three aspects of your communication with any one person and then think about how you might make one slightly new, slightly different change in just one of these factors at a time. No need to swing for the fences, this type of thing is a marathon, not a sprint. Once you make this change, you stop to re-evaluate how it went. Basically – you took a step toward someone. Did they take a step toward you? Then decide what step you want to take next. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Not to oversimplify, but the data are very clear that many men feel lonely, are suffering, and don’t feel confident enough or know how to fix it. So when you think about it, this means that there are a ton of guys out there who are starving for more connection, and it doesn’t make you needy, desperate, etc. It simply means you’re a human and like all humans, you need a balance of romance, friendship, acquaintances, and alone time – ideally on your own terms.

In light of all of these findings, I encourage you to push past the anxiety and the awkwardness of taking these small “risks” – because the physical toll that chronic loneliness takes on you can rob you of good years of your life – while feeling close and connected is about as good as it gets!

 

Dr. Dan Singley