I often see men in my office who feel unappreciated by their families. I ask, “what would it look like to be appreciated? How would you feel appreciated?” The response is almost always a resounding, “I don't know.”
When my wife asked me how I wanted to celebrate my first Father's Day, I responded almost instinctively, “I don’t know, whatever you want to do.” As if the notion of celebrating this new role as a father is not important or just another day that happens between graduations.
I've had plenty of birthdays, those are easy to celebrate, everyone loves a birthday. As 50 Cent famously declared, people will party and drink Bacardi and they don’t even care if it’s your birthday. I celebrate Veteran’s Day by saying, “thanks for paying your taxes,” calling up my old Navy buddies to share a few sea stories, and pour one out to Deep Sea.* Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, May the 4th, Independence Day, all come with respective rituals and celebrations. But Father’s day is a new one for me, a new role, an opportunity to reflect on everything I do for my family and be celebrated.
If you are like me, and grew up in a society where men are supposed to be hardworking, stoic, dependable, silent professionals, protectors, and providers, internalizing the message “why should you be rewarded for doing your job?” It’s no surprise you may struggle with articulating what would make you feel appreciated.
At the Center for Men’s Excellence, we believe men can be all those things and more. Rigid adherence to the “unshakeable foundation of the family” brings the risk of isolation, feeling unseen and misunderstood, and inevitably, underappreciated. Why would someone go out of their way to recognize you, if you give the impression you don’t want or deserve celebration? It takes courage and willingness to be vulnerable to let others know about your wants and desire to be seen.
To help you, and myself, I thought of two statements to frame a Father’s day request:
- “I feel most like a father when…”
- “I feel most appreciated when…”
For me, I feel most like a father when I have my daughter strapped to my chest, fending off handsy extended family and nosy pedestrians; and I feel most appreciated when my wife says thank you for carrying the baby, when my daughter smiles after I change her diaper, and when dessert is set in front of me without asking for it. So, this Father’s day, I asked to go to the zoo and get ice cream. When your partner/wife/daughter/son/cat asks you what you would like to do for Father’s day, reflect on those two statements, and then say out loud, “I feel most like a father when…, I feel most appreciated when…” Call upon your values of courage and strength. Let your loved ones in, just for one day, and let them know how they can appreciate everything you do for them.
* In military contexts, "Deep Sea" refers to operations conducted underwater, often involving specialized diving and salvage techniques.
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